A Horse By Any Other Name

Have you ever wondered about the magic that goes into naming a thoroughbred? Over the years Woodbine racing fans have been entertained by majestic names such as Northern Dancer and Kennedy Road. However, the names I remember best stick out because they are clever, funny or just downright dirty.

As a kid, I cheered for a speedy two year-old named Fozzie Bear who was forced to change his name to Bold Revenue upon threat of a lawsuit by Jim Henson’s legal team. Following the name change, the Toronto Sun memorably published a story featuring a large photo of the lovable Muppet. Bold Revenue would go on to win several races at Woodbine including the 1987 edition of the Woodstock Stakes.

Would he be as funny if Henson named him Bold Revenue?


But why can’t you name a horse whatever you want? In short, because all names must meet Jockey Club requirements to satisfy "The American Stud Book," which includes all thoroughbreds born in the United States, Canada and Puerto Rico as well as those imported here from other countries. The rules seem simple enough. For starters, each horse must be given a unique name. However, the Jockey Club receives up to 60,000 registration requests each year so duplication is inevitable. Other quirks dictate that names cannot be more than 18 letters long (including spaces), or end with a horse-related term like colt or filly. Horses named after living beings must have their registration accompanied with a signed letter of permission from the entity you wish to tribute. Names that are suggestive, vulgar, obscene or offensive to any religious, political or ethnic group are strictly prohibited.

Fair enough, but they have to catch you first and that’s where the name game gets interesting.

Type the horse name, “Hoof Hearted” into YouTube’s search engine and watch a replay of a race from 1989 where the horse in question gassed the field. At the end of the clip, you can have a laugh at the poor track announcer’s unintentional question, “Hoof Hearted in the winners circle?” (Say it out loud when you have a moment to yourself.) The popular notion that Ice Melted finished second in the race is sadly not true.

Hoof Hearted in the winners circle?


English soccer stars Robbie Fowler and Steve McManaman invested their hard-earned cash into a thoroughbred they cleverly named Some Horse for the sole purpose of having a bit of fun at the track announcer’s expense. The pair purchased a second equine they would name Another Horse. Imagine Woodbine track announcer Dan Loiselle having to make the following race call, “Some Horse surges to the lead and here comes Another Horse on the outside…” Oh the hilarity!

To avoid tricky situations like the one above, Loiselle keeps a book of particularly difficult names neatly handwritten in two columns. In the left column, Loiselle prints the actual name of the horse in block letters and in the right column Loiselle spells out the phonetic pronunciation of the name. The book is a who’s who of Canadian racing featuring horses such as Queen’s Plate winner Niigon (Knee-Gone in Loiselle’s masterpiece) to the odd jumble of letters that is Medidocihospisurg. Medi-whatey-who?

Loiselle investigated the matter and discovered, “It stands for ‘medical doctor hospital surgeon. The first couple times he raced I would announce ‘loading into the gate is Northern Dancer and Secretariat and…the nine horse!”

Loiselle is the track announcer who says, "KNEEEEEE" as in "Niigon"


The good-natured Loiselle remembers another incident where, “I had an owner tell me that he was going to call a horse First Is Second, and then he was going to call that horse’s full brother Second Is Third and then he was going to run them in the same race so that I would have to call ‘First Is Second is fourth, Second Is Third is fifth.’ Thankfully it hasn’t happened yet.”

Upon question of memorable horse names, jockey Rob Landry recalls a few racy names from Woodbine history. “There was a horse named Kinky Lingerie,” said Landry. “Another good horse was named Blondeinamotel. There have been a lot of funny names.” Blondeinamotel was good enough to win the 1989 Woodbine Oaks. If sexy names turn you on then you might enjoy a few classics from racing history such as Golden Shower or Menage A Trois. I’d have tried the latter in a triactor.

Landry fondly remembered Kinky Lingerie. (The horse.)


Food names became a hot commodity at Woodbine recently when horses such as Chickenonastik and Yummy With Butter made their way to the polytrack. Those two have yet to taste the success of Catherine Day Phillips’ Jambalaya, the first Canadian-bred to win the Arlington Million, but they will surely whet the appetite of Woodbine handicappers for years to come. Athena Topoezis, a groom for trainer Barb Minshall, once worked at a breeding farm and nods approvingly at those hungry handles. “The first horse I ever named was Smiles Are Free which reminded me of McDonalds,” stated Topoezis. “He had a brother named Steady Smiler.” However, Topoezis also had a knack for clever names. “We named one, Win A Feu. The sire's name, Feu D’Enfer, was French which meant ‘fire from hell.’”

Win A Feu is a name that jockey Jim McAleney would like. “I enjoy witty names and classic names,” said McAleney. “But I think that horses make the name. I remember watching the Donn Handicap and the winner was a long shot as the favourite broke down in the race. Afterwards everyone was talking about this horse Cigar. What kind of a name for a horse is that? It sounded silly and odd. Three years later after Cigar turned out to be who he was, Cigar turned out to be a brilliant name. So I think the horse makes the name.”

Jimmy Mac remembers Cigar smoking the field in the Donn


Track photographer Mike Burns has snapped pictures of thousands of winning horses over the years and laughs heartily when broached about the subject. “I like a name to be clever and funny,” rasped Burns. “My favourite name recently is Moreiseelessiknow because that’s exactly what life is like here at the racetrack.”

While hunch bettors might get lucky picking a horse solely by their name now and then, I think The Bard had it right when he wrote, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And by the way, Shakespeare was brilliant when he graced the E.P Taylor turf course with his presence in 2007 to win the Woodbine Mile.

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(As published in the June 24, 2009 edition of Down The Stretch.)

My apologies for reaching into the vault. Two separate, brand new, horse profiles are currently being prepared for publishing on this blog.